Hello, I am Chong Weiqiang from the website of Road of Miracle Network. In this part, I will illustrate the connotations and application of ‘sacrifice’ and asking for nothing in return. This time, I will still use the case of the quarrel between the young couple to make an extensive demonstration. The case is as follows.
There is a family of two. The husband and wife are both salary workers. One day, the husband got infatuated with online games. He just played games after coming back home every day. This made his wife upset. Then, a few days later, the wife could not stand it any longer, and she scolded his husband when he was playing games, “you only know play games every day, and ignore me. You go to live with the person in the game if you continue playing! Turn it off now!” When the husband heard this, he immediately got angry and answered, “What’s wrong with me playing games after work? Leave me alone and don’t make troubles”. Then, the wife got more angry, went on to say: “ How long since the last time you accompanied me to go shopping? Now, accompany me to go shopping. If you keep on playing, I will smash the computer”. Then the husband continued to fight back, “smash it, I don’t go”. At that time, the wife saw that the attack was useless, she said to the husband, “I wash clothes and cook for you everyday. I treat you like my lord every day. Can’t I ask you to accompany me to go shopping?” But the husband continued to fight back to say, “I make money every day and am so tired, you can’t see how hard I work for this family? And you are still not satisfied.” This is the end of story.
I will analyze the connotations of the last two sentences in the case. Take the wife as an example. She thought about it before saying that sentence, “You did a lot of things that I hated during my time with you, and all that was because of your selfishness and wrong ideas. But I did not attack and punish you for your mistakes, because I was kind. I would save you even if you do so many wrongs, so I tolerated your mistakes and silently did good things for you. I chose to do so in the hope that you would repent and repay me. But you ignored my patience and devotion, and you didn’t even want to do small things for me, such as go shopping with me. You are so abominable”. These are the thoughts that initiated the wife’s last remarks “I wash clothes and cook for you every day……”.
In life, many words and thoughts are similar to those of the last two sentences of the dialogue in the case. For example, “I have been living with you for long time and I have been so good to you, but how did you treat me?” Or, “I have done so much for you, only wish you could change a little, but why don’t you change? My efforts have been wasted”. Or, “I have been perfectly fulfilled both in love and duty. Since I cannot reform you, then you die! I will never do things for you again”. I suppose you would not be unfamiliar with those words and thoughts, and these words and thoughts are the sacrifice that is talked about in this part.
What is sacrifice? Sacrifice is that you have already regarded some thoughts and acts of the other party as guilty and punishable and those thoughts and acts have made you a victim. But at that time, you don’t attack the other directly, because you choose another form. You put up with sins first, and try to reform the other in a way of doing things for him. It is as if you were telling the other party that your efforts and your sufferings are caused by his sin, and all that you have done is for atoning for him. Your giving then becomes a means of attack, and the other party feels a sense of guilt that you give him. Then, you use that guilt to raise demands on the other party. The attributes of these demands are the returns you ask for your efforts. That is sacrifice.
So what is the ending of sacrifice? There are two kinds of endings:
1. If the other party has identified his sins and confessed himself, the other party will satisfy your various demands. At this time, the other party is virtually atoning for his own sin, and your mind will gain temporary balance.
2. If the other party ignores the guilt and contributions you have given him, he will not confess himself or give returns for your contributions. Then you will have a great fear that your efforts will never be rewarded. The fear is then increasingly amplified by your incessant efforts. In the end, when the fear reaches its ultimate limit, you will stop giving and turn directly to anger and attack, or you attack while giving. If the other party is still unrepentant, you will punish or abandon the other party. Certainly, if the guilt you give to the other party is too strong, and the demands you raise are too overwhelming for the other party to bear, he will be exceptionally frightened, and then he will abandon you. This is the second ending of sacrifice.
Let me give you one more example from life to better illustrate sacrifice. There must be a kind of emotional mediation program on TV in your country, and that kind of program must have the scenes like this:
1. There was a mother and a son on the show. The mother said, “My child didn’t behave himself when he was young. He indulged in eating, drinking and gambling, and did nothing good. There was no use teaching him, and finally he was imprisoned. However, during his years in prison, as his mother, I never gave him up. All these years, I have been working hard to make money, because I want to give him a better future. And every time I visited my child, I told him how hard I worked and what I expected of him. In the end, it paid off. After my child was released from prison, he understood my hardship and effort, and his guilt, too. Then, he thoroughly rectified his previous errors. Now he has a formal job and is very filial to me. He has become a good son now, and my efforts have not been in vain.
When the host and the audience heard it, they said, “look! This is the maternal love of the world, how great! And this kid is the model of prodigal son turning back. What a loving family!
2. There was a mother and a son on the show. The mother said, “My child didn’t behave himself when he was young. He indulged in eating, drinking and gambling, and did nothing good. There was no use teaching him, and finally he was imprisoned. However, during his years in prison, as his mother, I never gave him up. All these years, I have been working hard to make money, because I want to give him a better future. And every time I visited my child, I told him how hard I worked and what I expected of him. But after he got out of jail, he still indulged in the bad habits as before. I introduced a job to him but he just did it for a while and then gave it up. I am so sad that all my efforts have been wasted”.
The host and the audience showed great hatred after hearing it. Then the host began to insanely scold this youngster, for being unfilial, senseless, and indecent. Even the TV audiences gnashed the teeth in anger, on the brink of jumping onto the stage and slapping the youngster.
These two opposite scenes illustrate the connotations of sacrifice and two endings. Perhaps you will say isn’t that the mother and son have “love” good? Yes, on the surface it seems good, but this superficial goodness does not dissolve the guilt that the mother has given to her son; that is to say, the guilt must be manifested as a circumstance of being sacrificed for the mother to experience. And this superficial goodness does not dissolve the guilt that the son has given to himself, which means that the son will sooner or later be bitter due to incessant recompense (atonement). Therefore, the superficial goodness of the relationship between the mother and the son is only a temporary goodness, because they cannot escape the rules of the working of sins and the guilt. There are too many such examples and words in the world, for example, one party may say, “Dare you not listen to me, Have you forgotten those mistakes you made in the past? Don’t you forget how I used to treat you?” The other party replied, “I have been kind to you all these years. Why do you keep grabbing at my past?” This is the ending that the sense of sacrifice brings to both parties. The connotation of this ending is that the guilty party thinks he has redeemed his sins, but the sacrificial party does not think so, and at that time the two parties will incessantly compare and seesaw their efforts. However, these comparisons and seesaws can not dissolve the guilt, instead they will consolidate the authenticity of sins in both people’s minds. This is a trick how the sense of sacrifice makes sins real.
To sum up, sacrifice is just another kind of pattern of conviction, and the two parties manipulated by the sense of sacrifice will sooner or later convert sacrifice into mutual attack. For example, when the husband in the case felt the sacrifice of his wife, he immediately experienced the guilt that the wife gave to him, and then pushed the guilt directly back and expressed his own sacrifice. So he said, “I am so tired of making money every day. Can’t you see the hard work I have done for this family? And you are still not satisfied”.
Most of the reasons for divorce in the world come from this sense of sacrifice. In life, both men and women think they have put up with each other’s mistakes. Both men and women think they have done a lot for each other. But finally both men and women think they have not gained the corresponding return. In this way, the sacrifices of both sides gradually turn to anger and mutual attack, eventually mutual abandonment.
In addition to divorce, the sense of sacrifice pervades in all areas of relationships. For example, common people often teach children and said, “kid, I have signed you up for so many classes, including dance class, piano class, But why are you not eager to learn?” When the child hears these words, it doesn’t matter what he answers. What matters is that the child’s expressions after hearing these words are definitely unhappy. Why is that? Because these words mean that you have given the guilt to the child. But who is willing to accept that guilt in the world?
I am not going to list other cases, because the cases of sacrifices are quite common in life. If you observe life very carefully, you will find that the sense of sacrifice is ingrained in everybody’s mind. So, how to break away from the sense of sacrifice becomes a lesson you must learn. In the following, I will put you into the roles of wife and husband.
First of all, I will put you into the role of wife. If you are the wife in this case, the first step is to wake yourself up in a quarrel. Then you need to practice all of the thinking patterns described in the previous parts: true forgiveness, giving innocence, letting go of needs (including the needs of shopping), and entrustment of fear. At that time, your husband and you will become a peaceful miracle mind. And then this time, you have to be alert to the sense of sacrifice within you, and you have to think when you are vigilant:
1. The things my husband used to do to hurt me were only some circumstances in my dream, and he used to be only an image in my dream, so he was innocent in the past and is innocent now.
2. All my past contributions to him were to satisfy his sincere request for help, so I will not ask for changes and rewards from my husband. I won’t cling to the past contributions any more.
When you have completed the above thoughts and done nothing, your sense of sacrifice will melt away, along with the sense of guilt you gave to your husband. Then your husband won’t experience the sense of guilt. Up to now, your mind will be firmly united in a state of miracle mind. This state of mind will then present you with a peaceful circumstance, similar to the one described in the previous one, except that you will not experience a new circumstance of being sacrificed, because this time you do not use sacrificial thinking to convict your husband. This is the thinking and application of overcoming sacrifices and asking for nothing in return.
The principle of overcoming sacrifices and asking for nothing in return is as follows: you first have to forgive the other party for the things he has done that hurt you in the past, so that you can dissolve sins you convicted the other party in the past. Then, on that basis, you can turn your past contributions into satisfying the other party’s genuine pleas for help. The guilt you gave to the other will be taken back and dissolved by you. This is the thought to be practiced by the sacrificial party. This practice also has another assistant thinking, that is, you can recall more good things that the other party did to you in the past, for which he did not expect repay from you. This will make it easier for you to practice thinking patterns that overcome sacrifice and ask for nothing in return. (In more intimate relationships, both sides must have done a lot of things help each other expecting nothing in return, because you would not have formed intimate relationships without these things, then the thought of remembering only the good in people and forgiving the bad is a great assistance to the practice of overcoming sacrifices and asking for nothing in return.)
The next step is to put you into the role of the husband, but first of all, I will remind you that the husband’s situation in the case is different from the wife’s situation, because the husband is the recipient of the sacrifice the requested party, so he uses a different thinking pattern because of his different situation.
If you are the husband in this case, the first step you should take is to be aware, and you should be aware of your sense of sacrifice. And then you can practice all the thinking modes illustrated in the former parts: true forgiveness, giving innocence, letting go of needs and entrustment of fear, but you don’t use the thinking to meet others’ sincere request for help first, because this time the request for help your wife put forward is also mixed with the sacrifice of your wife and the guilt she gives to you. So, you should think like this:
1. The things my wife used to do to hurt me were only some circumstances in my dream, and she used to be only an image in my dream, so she used to be and is innocent.
2. All my contributions I did to her in the past were to satisfy her sincere request for help, so I will not ask for changes and returns from my wife, and I will not cling to those contributions in the past.
3. The guilt my wife gave me because of her sacrifice is non-existent, because she and I are innocent. So, I can’t have any guilt.
4. If the guilt my wife gave me because of her sacrifice is non-existent, then the request my wife makes for me is only a sincere request for help, so I will satisfy her request for help.
The above thoughts are the ones to be practiced by the recipient of sacrifices. From these thoughts, you can see that you, as the recipient of sacrifices, need to practice two more steps than the sacrificial party, namely the third and fourth steps. This is because you can turn the demands mixed with senses of sacrifices into genuine pleas for help only when you first forgive the guilt that the sacrificial party gave to you. Otherwise, you are likely to push the guilt back to the sacrificial party and express your sacrifices. Besides, if you don’t, you will experience the fear that the sacrificial party will cling to your sins forever, and worry that he will make countless demands on you. So, when you are faced with sacrifices, the first thing you have to do is to use true forgiveness to dissolve the guilt that the sacrificial party gave you. This is the crucial step of practice for the recipient of the sacrifices, and the core of this part.
But if you are still fearful that your wife will continue to express sacrifices to you in the future after you have done all of the above thinking, then you can practice the thinking of entrustment of fear again. You can think like this: “in the future, if my wife frequently expresses sacrifices to me and make demands on me, I will ceaselessly forgive her for the guilt she gave me, and ceaselessly satisfy her heartfelt pleas for help”. After such entrustment, all your fear will disappear, and then your mind will be unified in miracle mind, but this time because you are the recipient of sacrifices and the requested party, after you have practiced these above thoughts and acts, your peace will be extended to your wife’s heart, and then the peace will bring your wife this cognizance: “my efforts are not in vain. I get rewards from my husband, and I can feel that the reward is just my husband’s love to me. I am very happy”. Your wife’s sense of deprivation, fear and sacrifice will disappear. Up to now, one of your troubles has been rid of. In the end, you will acquire a peaceful situation due to the miracle mind. This situation is similar to that described in the previous part, but there is one more thing, that is, if you, as the husband is able to apply the four thoughts described above for a long time to handle the sacrifices of your wife, then your wife’s sense of sacrifice for you will become less and less, and eventually the sense of sacrifice will be completely gone. Then your wife won’t raise demands on you due to her sacrifices for you. This is long-term peaceful situation that the recipient of sacrifices will eventually get if he has applied the proper thoughts.
Moreover, as the recipient of sacrifices, if you can regularly use the right thinking to meet the demands of the sacrificial party, you will not hate and abandon the sacrificial party. Then in the future, those who are not abandoned by you (the sacrificial side) will certainly bring you some great benefits. Simply speaking, these people who are not abandoned by you will help you out when you are in troubles. This is another kind of peaceful situation that can be obtained by the recipient of sacrifices. When this happens, you will understand all the values of overcoming sacrifices and asking for nothing in return.
At the end of this part, I will clarify why you should ask for nothing in return, because when you have practiced this mode of thinking and do not ask anything in return, you will become a miracle mind without any sense of deficiency, and all the peaceful circumstances you will obtain are also manifested by this miracle mind. So, the peaceful miracle mind is the most perfect reward you will gain, and that is the deep meaning of asking for nothing in return.
Finally, as an explicator, I would like to say to you, “do not think that what I am saying will make you a weak person in life; you should not think so. True strength does not lie in the external, but in the heart. You may give everyone the superficial impression that you are a outwardly powerful person all along, but does outward power really work? Are you really happy? Do you really have no troubles? So, it is up to you to decide whether you shall practice this thinking pattern that will make your mind incredibly powerful.
Chong Weiqiang
October 2017